FUCK YOU BITCH. you are always like that. so two faced. damn you, so many instances i can pull out that you always feign ignorance. it's always not your fault, though you know it is. you ain't the fuckin' emperess dowager of the house la okay. it's good enough you have the maid to wait on you, be at your beck and call, DON'T expect me to do that too. i told you, i'm staying away from you, lest your undesirable unfluences strangle me to death. you treat your own mother like this, so why can't i throw it back at you? ever heard of practise what you preach? so don't get all huffy and flounce off when you know all i did was to state the simplest of all truths. maybe you're right, maybe i'll treat you like the way you treat your mother now, when you grow old. you ain't no bloody martyr. i'm sick and tired. i dont give a damn if you got depression or not okay. fine, everything's my fault. it's always me okay. fuck you. maybe if i go away. you'd really be happy. wait, i would. if you dare make any noise about what i get on tuesday, i swear i wouln't even bother restraining myself. you want to cry and blame me, so be it. i'm immune to your crocodile tears.

and to you. yea. i'm changing. so what? maybe my replies are short cos i don't feel like talking to you? maybe i'd rather text my friends than you? maybe i'd rather hang with them and not have you cling to me 24/7. you know what's called freedom? yea, that's what i need. and you can go do your bitchy little thing to that oh so close friend of yours. i don't care. i'm really starting to think that it's time. more than over dued.

if my life ain't fucked up enough, you were the perfect cherry on top of a wonderful period of my life. i tried explaining, but if you all you wanna see it as false. then hell. jasper, thanks for the words of wisdom. i really need to sort things out myself i guess. question is, where do we stand now? if you even knew what's really happening..

A good lit or S.S student will be able to interpret what i'm feeling now, based on this picture. if you can't, how about i tell you that the thing in the middle of nowhere stands for me?

i'm trying, but i can't. it's hard. to open up in the midst of all this. i need to get rid of all this negative emotions. us, you, everything. i change my mind. no one understands. at all.

"Scout , i think i'm beginning to understand something. I think i'm beginning to understand why Boo Radley's stayed shut up in the house all this time... it's because he wants to stay inside."

--To Kill A Mockingbird--

Drinking is a good way to numb yourself to emotions you refuse to let yourself feel. maybe that, or i just wanted to drink. maybe both. turmoil of emotions about almost every single aspect of me life right now, don't know where to run. seemed like the only option for me was escapism.

J's been there for me most of the time and i thank you for it. once you find yourself a girl, i know everything will change.

the first bottle.

done with you.

beer was too mild. vodka please.

beer hadn't any effect. percentage was also too low. thank god dad said he'd buy more wine. and absolute disco. damn right he will. if i need a drink tonight, i'm stocked up. at this point, i don't give a fuck whether i damage my livers or screw up my life. it's messed up anyway.

note to self: You don't want to be like her. you complain of her all day. you agree with what father and brother says abt her, but still you're turning out like her everyday. fuck no. change. you need to. it ain't genes, it's influence. hell, gotta close yourself away from her.

i wished today, your trip wasn't cancelled. as dad said, go save the chickens, it would give us some much needed space, and time to get what i needed. now, i just wanna retreat away from you. this is it. the only way i can do that, go back to the wall i built around myself. Fuck to everything else.

batter up! play ball!

life's like a softball pitch. rough and sandy, yet shaped like a diamond.

i'm wondering, is God present? or isn't he. i really don't know. is life supposed to be as unpredictable as where the ball flies?maybe he's tryna send me an omen. in three days, three fights have sprung out from no where. god, you trying to tell me something? it's scary really. maybe i'll get into a fight. or i'll get robbed. ha. what a joke. mm. life has been a living hell for me. the monotous daily tasks is really irksome to the point that sometimes, i wish life didn't have to be this way. i wanna run, but escapism from my problems ain't gonna solve nothing. one too many, few too much. worrying over a big ugly F9 on my result slip really isn't helping at all. not to mention the least. hurr.

strike two. no balls.

there's a thousand dreams i could think of. i wish my brother was nicer. i wish my brother could what he says or practice what he preaches. i wish he could hold his snide comments and do some reflection himself. i wish the moment we had as cliques could remain. i wish we could be as we always were. i wish we didn't have to study, or be in a country like singapore.

none of this will come true.

today nearly saw another arguement erupting. i really don't know okay. we think alike. can't say the same. as for no texts or calls on the second, i was waiting for yours. it's just me okay. i need my own space, my freedom. cram me up, you're out. strike three. batter out.

disclaimer: friends mean the world to me. if anyone so much as lays a finger on anyone of my friends, anyone. you'd wished you never was alive because i'll hunt you down till you're on bended knee.

Inning over. fielders up!

i fucked up again, didn't i. seems to be happening alot these days.

life is full of surprises. i'd second that. it's been springing up alot around me recently. papers, people, strange meetings, things or people i'd rather not have seen. pfft. today it self was a coincidence in itself. flirthouse. HA. jamie, that was like funny. he was standing on the escalator in front of us without us knowing. HAHA. immediately called you. today was. a deviation from the normal stuff we were supposed to do. shan't go into detail. interesting. and bernice went...high?mm. oh wells. go for dancesation. or not. whatever it is, i'm going o school. full stop. period. i don't care, bernice. HAHA. might pull jasper along. hoho. bought whatever its urgent to buy, though its really in the wrong time. but wth. next is just leisure shopping with jams after lit. haha. and more. lmao.

strain marks are showing. fast. did you even remember today? how convenient of you to say that. you know what. continue after o's? my answer - o's, please last LONGER. i don't know. fuck.

and to the ass of a guy who thought he was effing big with his HUMONGOUS calvin klein bag (so high class HAR) YOU banged into me, so DON't you dare go "teenagers's nowadays AH." just cos i tsked at you. it's your fault, so accept it, you act-big -not- big, fat stumpy faggard.

today. was mucking around at home. no plans. rather, was turned down. so dear bernice asked me to study. wednesday. good and bad. bad, studied little. bad, felt down. bad, ready to get a beautifule F9 for humans after fucking up history. good, went out with bernice ong. good, we studied. and shopped. we had a spastic day. met lots of people. lao bungs, gross lesbians, girls from bernice's most loved school and girls in pyjamas lookalikes, among others. i won a bet with bernice, that there WAS a carl's j at far east. she owes me lunch there tmr. : ) and seventy one dollars. in cash.

shopping count for today:

bernice:
- naval stud (which i had to help choose cos she was so indecisive. -.- and some assholes were totally perving at her lifting up her blouse? and they were probably thinking we were PL. cos they saw me choosing for her, then saw her take money from me, and then return the change. who does that, except for couples!?) sandra cheng. :)
- some hairband (she can use for her future job interview.) (i paid)
- starbucks chocolate chip ( which probably made her high and start dancing!)
- ipod PINK skin (which i had to paste for her cos she sucked at it -.-)

sandra:
- grad white heels
- reservation on a prom dress (should i buy? )
- condensing chicken. bernice's favourite. more on bernice's lj.

we were in the midst/ in two minds to buy sex bands from 77th street. something that probably made the person think we were PLs further. i'm so not wanting BERNICE to break my sex bands, for those who knows what it means. LMAO. she so wanna dance, so do i. stop stealing my songs bernice. and YOU caused the PL revival, not me. rawr.

a letter straight to your heart - what do you know about me? nothing. do you know what i've been doing? no. do i care? no. do i bother? no. what to do? i don't know. tell me what to do. i really don't know. bridge the gap between the constantly drifting islands? or cut the line and to each his own?

happy birthday simin. hope you enjoyed yourself. happy sweet sixteenth.

Reasons why i don't wear dresses:

im not a flippin' ballerina!

er.. unglam,much?

model shot!

emo kid.

random post. grandma just came in with some old photos and i spent like damn long laughing over the top two photos. superr funny! haha. maybe thats why dresses and i dont get along. pah. two weeks more to after o's. gambatte everybody!

English today was doable. i think i handled it well, but shall not delve further into it, lest i think too much and lose focus. oh well.s chem was a sadd case, but screw it. no paper till friday. all the best to those taking a math tomorrow! gambatte neh!

haven't faced up to reality the last couple of days. won't know what to say and stuff. hope this crap is subsiding. really. need to get the move on. this is so effing wrong. not like you seem affected. hell no, i'd rather you don't even know. just hope i can deal with this.

the other matter. i really don't know what to say. im apprehensive and all. at least with o's, i have an excuse. to know you're by my side counting down with me, i'm having mixed feelings. escapsim. i'm sorry. where to go from twenty plus days later, hell, i don't know. i'm treading on egg shells here.

Lord, i need your help.

this shall be my last quick post for now. i can't wait for exams to be over. i swear it's such a chore. it's been getting to me lately and i'm pretty edgy. sigh. thanks to the teachers for all the help they've been providing. especially to mrs anne lee, ms goh and ms wong. well that's it for now i suppose.

reply tags:

moo: yes i finally changed skin. but it's a lousy one. but aiya, at least more mild than that bright one la.

toothead aka jasper cyril: yes i did. ahha. cool right. haha.

bear: i know! but i'm a noob and i don't know how to resize it. it's defined by blogger so i also don't know la.

leh: you're supposed to make new blogskin for me!

BE ONG: hahahaha. regarding the picture, look above. and yes i did link you la. your lj name so siao one. haha.

bear: of course i know. i'm so smart. don't want. lazy to remove. will leave it there.



and i don't know what to do. really. i thank you for all the help these past few days. but am i trying too hard? how should i react? i know it's wrong to feel/think this way, but i'm confused too. fuck it.

my brother's watchingsome crap song on mtv now. annoying. HAHA. sisi is teaching me the ah lian language online now too. HAHA.damn funny. today was quite productie, i guess. but i was loner today. didn't talk to X the whole day, and certainly not gonna make the first move to. i really don't know what to do, or what you want. you're free, i'm not. if you can't understand that, what do you want from me? i told you right from the start, didn't i? fuck, i know you for sure you're gonna run to your right hand person, bee whatever her name is. you make me feel guilty for studying, you know that? and vice versa. screw it all la.

today was otherwise quiet and prodective. poor jasper can't message because apparently someone put a spell on his phone so he can't send messages to me! ass. and i totally spammed his inbox, to no avail. i have unlimited texts anyways, so whatever. HAHA.

i'm growing fat. lunch and dinner at burger king isnt' what i had in mind for a healty diet. -.- i'm broke too. -.- i'm so going on a crash diet and gyming everyday. yea right. like i can abstain from food. but i'm for sure gonna double up on sports. i can do whatver i want after o's! and go thailand as much as i want too! how cool is that! anyone wanna come? ^.^

ah well. tmr. a new day. a new start. a day nearer to the o's. -.- pfffffft. yesterday was the last day of school. it was fun. cam whored like crazy. inverted eyebrows and all, candid stalker shots, hilarious ms koh and bernice's pics, koren model pics. i love you guys!

today was to be like the most horrendous day of my life. i thought that i'll save myself the trouble of travelling up and down on my usual cycle of mac's and fast food outlets (which is by the way, killing my intestines and building up fats, according to songsong .. an-the-ro-r-i-sil-sis. -.- it's antherosclerosis, but that's her french way of saying it) -.- anyways, so i managed to catch up on some of my sleep. but of course studying was slack. i hate it at home. seriously. and not to mention, my dearest grandmother who crashed at our house since last week (and in the process, cramping my style by chucking my brother in my room -.-) keeps annoyingly coming into my room for nothing at all, except to annoy me! urgh. like even when i'm playing psp! my blood is like boiling cos i'm so pissed off and today i'm on HIGH irritable mood.

when mummy and her proceeded to join me at the dinner table just as i sat down, i did the only logical thing to do - finish my dinner in the quickest possible time and get the heck away from there. and, my stupid maid was laughing throughout while i clanged and banged my utensils ahaha and i finished it in a record time of 4 mins! incredibly my first time. haha. oh wells.

i feel like emoing today and i don't know why. i realised that i have to tighten a little bit on my friendship ties. like some of them i'm so sure of the friendship that i slacken and forget or drift away from them. mm. and some i just need to reach out to further, nevermind my first impressions or hesitations i have. to one, you can say that i'm a little jealous that we haven't been talking, rather, not closely while you grew close to someone else, whom i wasn't exactly fond of, though was okay with. but oh wells. i guess that's life. whatever it is, hope we do stay in contact. and for X, it's thirty days over and another forty five, so you said, days till we can ressume fully where it left off. hope it can last through that period. and i'm really trying my hardest hardest to hang in there. for everything.

and to the stupid crazy liang court clique people, who annoyingly took "scandal but not scandal" photos! haha idiots! you've been a crazy bunch who's brought much fun and laughter to my life, amidst the mad rush for exams. all the best,everyone. our lives will just get crazier by the day. enjoy.

okay today there was school. duh. -.- ah wells. patron's day mass and ceremony of light. haha pictures of that another day. school passed damn slowly. it picked up in the evening... during crew practice! haha well it wasn't the whole crew la. but still! went to our fav hangout, which has been esplanded roof terrace. quite embarrassing to dance with so many people looking la, but who cares. we were fooling around and having fun what! anyways. summary of the fun time.

ps: thank you gaygay for the nice nice photos!

practice: Courtesy of gaygay.

I totally LOVE this : )

then we had constipation.

while defacating, we watched the singapore flyer.

then the sun set above the "durians" .

lastly, ended the fun day with chilling at marina square, bonding with each other : )

welcome the new edition of our guitar collection. an electirc guitar from Fender's. whoo. pictures. i love it. damn pretty.

close up.

Fender Stratocaster.

New member of the house yo!

the fun the after school crew has.

haha okay its friday and this signals the last of my exams. heh.mocks whatever. lol. yesterday was a day spent at the esplanade and we had fun. well we were SUPPOSED to be studying, but with 3 guitars, 3 cameras and music players, we couldnt help but to play guitar, dance, cam whore and have fun! whoo! it was super fun. making the after school crew video was a total disaster but a hilarious one at that! today was spent celebrating evangeline's birthday, which 15 of us went. seemed like a school excursion (head count!) hahah. OH WELLS. slacked the rest of the day off and yea here i am. go figure.

and to the tikos of yesterday's macdonalds, go hump a snail, or i'll gladly gorge out your eyes. -.- dont you know its rude to stare at people while we'r half studying. helf cam whoring? -.-

okay screw mocks now. fuckin chow chow is getting on my nerves. haha. damn stop standing in front of my row when i'm having mocks yo. superbly annoying. especially seeing her grotesque face and pouting mouth. so suay, in ther morning at the bus stop see her face -.-
oh wells, lit paper two was a killer? oh wait, both papers were a killer. my hand was dammit numb by the end of it and i just basically smoked my way through? like i didn't study and i think i went out of point for the essay. -.-

then went out with X. well actually, waited with slyvia. heh. then went candy empire for smt, then went WM, ate some yummy food, and went arcade. haha. basicaly to claim my free game but then oh wells, got some soft toy and lotsa sweets too! heh. then walked home and finally messed up my new 5x5 rubiks. RAWR. it's hard!

i'm totally screwing bio cos i don't give a damn and i'm not studying! heck it leong!

i swear i hate you miley cyrus. you are damn annoying. geez .grow up. damn you. just cos you're miss hannah montana, doesn't mean you are a dancer. oh please, mandy was the one who had to teach you. and you totally won ACDC by flook! they were so owning you please. you just mesmerised the kids a little too much by showing a little too much flesh. go figure. hacked into iphone. pffft. ACDC, i love you and you guys rock. this battle means tuppence anyways. adam, maddchadd, chris breezy and the jabbawockeez, you totally owned them. keep on rocking fellas.

last and not least, yesterday! haha. you've guessed right! i didn't study. i woke up early, i was supposed to study, but i ended up sorting out my TONS of werksheets like wth, it was the worse. heh. like the wholeliving room was filled but i managed to clear it. then i was supposed to study with jasper. that tootheadchose town. ahah and i watched him eat stupidly ripped off yoshinoya food. then we headed to coffee bean and paragon. hoho. we both bought belgian chocolate. yummy yummy. heh. then studied. i managed one chapter before spastic went high and started poking me. -.- rawr. then we were just being retarded about the rubiks cuve. the coffee bean ppl saw us doing and asked me to solve for them. wth. oh well.s of course, from there totall no studying done la. all jassy's fault. cam whore, hand drawings, etc, he bullied my poor frog. ass. he had to go home thereafter and i sat there, waiting for X. then X came and we went off. whoo actually after sitting for 1 hour first. hehe. today was fun. went back, and WHOO! ICAN FINALLY DO THE HANDSTAND!! YES YES YES! air freeze here i come baby!!!

smiles.

waddaya tell ya? he's a spastic.

emo.

finally, a handstand!

okay right. next is the stupid wedding dinner. i'll put the darn dress up la. but don't laugh!

hope you two will live in eternal bliss and may god bless your marriage.

grace and me.

stupid.

friends.

the portion size they'll serve.

conrad wishes you a nice wedding.

haha okay. i realised i have't updated for alot of stuff. so i'll do them in order of posts. first up. the long overdued grad photos. i know bear they all can't see the photos, so i shan't overload with photos. just a few. here they are. btw, that day was super fun.

the early birds. we were super early.

clique 1!

clique 2!

random!

the prisoners.

ms koh and co.