questions, questions, questions.

it's nearing two. we're still awake. well, waiting for my turn to bath now, and i'm superbly hungry. haha. oh wells. technically, today is already graduation day. we are officially ex-theresians already. congratulation everybody. you survived everything.

it's been what, four days, a week? i don't even know what's going on now. on, off, disappear, appear, missing. i'm thinking i should, and i'm starting to think that after months of hesitation, it will be a right choice.

you're blowing hot and cold. i don't know which to trust. puzzled, angry, misunderstood, hurt. i finally understand why, i think, but i don't know why. what was done to derive at that, why you think that,why you think so little of me when i only..never mind.
oh, and don't go bitching to me about dad. you two solve your shit on your own.

where do we go from here? all's but a mystery to us right now.

for one last day, let this be our happiest moment. after that, i know when i'm not wanted.

oh. my. god. it's over? it's unbelievable. suddenly, everything we have been working for is gone. finito. finished. somehow, i don't feel anything. the past few months have but only been a haze.
The time we took the chem paper, or the lit one, seemed so long ago. looking at the entry proof, it's hard to imagine that we've suddenly crawled to the end of the list. it's pretty surreal.

But, i suppose, we're survivors. we made it through. a pat on the back for everyone. though the ordeal lives on (waiting for or results in sheer anticipation) at least we can now breathe and try and get our lives back, the one we lost for a year.

it's still hard to sink in that today was the last paper. And tomorrow's graduation! today was unofficially the last time we wore our CHIJ pinafore. commencing tomorrow, we'll all look like stunning ladies in pretty dresses -.-

Prom's tomorrow night. this week has sped past fast enough. the last time i knew, prom was eons away. wow wee. we'll see what tomorrow brings, i suppose.

well, i'm off on some "moving house" and "girly" adventure, so i guess it's goodbye for now.
i'll see you when i see you next.
that is, if anyone even reads this.

'Stop that noise,' Atticus said.
His curtness stung me. The comb was midway in its journey and i banged it down. For no reason i felt myself beginning to cry, but i could not stop. This was not my father. My father never thought these thoughts. My father never spoke so. Through my tears i saw Jem standing in a similar pool of isolation, his head cocked to one side.
-- To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee--

i understand. it's okay. go ahead. you go do your work and you go show me your attitude. it's fine if you don't want to see me graduate, i understand. work's more important. i get it. please, don't inconvenience yourself. i'd rather you don't go then be there for the sake of being there and make comments to yourself how your schedule's all screwed up. and for you, fuck your attitude. you're already nearing fifty, wake the fuck up and stop acting like a little spoilt brat. really, your little girl pampered personna never fails to astound me.
Just go. both of you.

i'd rather die than admit it to your face that i'm hurt.

sometimes i wonder, what are friendships all about? if i could liken them to anything, i would say that they are like war alliances. yes, i mean like the allies and the central powers, that kind of alliances.

but isn't it true? we make friends, mark them as our property, draw up war pacts and practise collective security, and aim to protect each other when the enemy comes?

sometimes, some are like italy, who went back on their word and joined the allies instead.
sometimes, some are like britain and france, who stayed allies even till world war .

but how reliable can we depend on this pacts? always? lifetime? seems to me, not. one day, soon, or later, they will break down. sooner or later, some will be like the nazi-soviet pact, and go back on their word of peace and invade their "partners."

i'm now skeptical of war. the battlelines are still being drawn. Countries are still changing sides.
where does that leave me?

yesterday was a day that can be summed up in one word : retarded.

well, met bernice up at je to go to lido to study. and being the suay people we are, we stupidly walked to the top floor when we realised that people were being filmed in front of us. so, if you watch a programme and see two idiots in the background, it's us. stupid people.

later another idiot by the name of jasper wanted to tag along. and we sat there half studying, watching bernice draw, and (me) watching dance videos. and when i bought popcorn, those two idiots kept leeching from me (that's $4!) and started throwing popcorn down each other's shirts. later bernice walked to the toilet, without realising she had popcorn stuck on her ass. how absolutely clever of her huh. : )

went window shopping after. apparently jasper became our "sister" -.- when we were looking at boxers at topshop. ha. bernice idea of course. but it did seem true, he's been following us on the most girliest things ever. he even wants a free manicure. -.-

bernice, get well soon. i don't want to fry any more carrot cakes on your head. and do go see a doctor, before i stuff panadol and unknown pills down your throat! ps, remember clown blown. : )

bernice left soon after, hanged with jasper and the guys. i swear they are the most retarded people ever. one kept stuffing tissue in his mouth for people to see (you should see the expressions on those who saw) one pretended to dash in front of a car, and another got down and did push ups in front of an oncoming car. HAHA. laughed like a mad bitch man. funny people. went for late late dinner with j, had an interesting conversation before i left. HAHA.

well that's my day yesterday. reached home nearing 12, faced a kitchen stocked sky high with new tidbits from sheng shiong. scared the crap out of me. pictures next time la. heh.

awoke with 5 texts messages today. interesting. too bad you weren't one of them. but i'm starting to not care, if you don't.

two words: fuck off.

that's it. henceforth today, i will live for myself and keep to myself i really don't see any more point in trying to anticipate other people's reactions, trying to spare a thought for them, then after that be taken for granted, or misunderstood.

i told you so many gazillion times to spare a thought for others, but time and again, you simply whack whatever's around, for yourself. you always say you don't know, you have zero communication skill, hello, it's time you woke up from your self centred ass dream and start thinking for others.your self centeredness is simply astounding and i'm dumbfounded that you're even indifferent when it's towards the family. you're really starting to be a pain in my ass. you're so critical, so judgemental about the whole world, everybody seems a joke to you, but you know what, i'm starting to think that YOU are the biggest joke in the well. i seriously wish you all the best on 19 jan. i pray that you'll wake up la, please. and i'll have the peace i've been dying for. i'm officically sick and tired of caring for other people and then get slapped in the face by them. not just you, a handful. so you know what, you can go screw up your life, go screw up your A's and it will NOT initiate any response from me anymore.

all i can is this family is whacked la. fine, call my cynical, call me jaded. but dad's the only that's got my back since forever. you two, i don't know. one insults, the other talks alot of shit. ha. the perfect family. oh, joy.

can i even bring myself to actually meet you up again and resume where we left off since our first?

point taken. i think you're having much more fun and excitement now and, i think i'll just finish off whatever i started,give you this parting gift and get the heck out of your life.

yesterday was gay. i had too much free time, i actually watched high schol muscial and step up? HAHA. i can tell you that HSM3 is ten times better that of the first one. ha, oh wells and step up two is much better. step up, looking back, is right dry.

10 strange things that happened today:
1. some gross ah beng tried to hit on us.
2. we were on budget spree.. although some idiots paid $1.60 for a tiny piece of worthless waffle.
3. JB totally embarrased them selves in front of a group of cute guys (not me!)
4.we observed that the up and coming fashion is gross - girls wearing baggy guy shirts -.-
5. we saw the first lesbian INDIAN couple.
6. we are air-hockey maniacs.
7. Berns is always the main target for hawkers on the streets.
8. i saw an ah beng and ah lian making out at the bus stop. G-R-O-S-S
9. at some point or another,everyone keeps staring, i don't know why. -.-
10. the similar situations all three of us in every single way is really coincidental.

today was fun, in a waste time way. i'm sorry, but after o's and all the strategic plan-your-time properly, suddenly left with nothing to do and time to kill, it really seems odd. it didn't help much when today's lit paper was pretty challenging. apart from that, it sucks to hear that SCGS happened to do that same poem for their prelims. no telling what that might to do the moderation curve huh. whoopee dee doo. SCGS -As, STC-Bs.

i wanted to speak to you today, perhaps wish you all the best, but somehow i was afraid of your reaction, so i kinda scratched the idea.

i can't believe you didn't tell me for two days? it was serious, how could you not have told me? please rest well. take care. please. and, don't say things like that. i know it's sweet etc, but you really got me stumped, to say the least. and don't, cos more likely. i'll be scared away. i don't know, i can't think right now, i want to just cwalk ad forget, but i know i gotta change. give me time, please.

i wished we were back to the old times, just like before.

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused!
What's it all mean?I want my own dream.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through them all!
I'm pushin', crashin',
I'm gonna fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I get down, pushin',
Searchin', can't find a
Road that I should take,
I should, tomorrow left us!
--Scream, Troy, HSM3--

big girls don't cry. i'll try to remember that. i'm sorry to scare everybody else who bothered to ask, but i'll be fine. i'm not dead yet, so i'll continue fighting, as much as i'm like half dead chicken now, but oh wells, i'll still be alive till god sucks my life away.

well well, look like the obamanators won the palinistas and mccainaics. HAHA. i mean, the dance off ACDC put up. mm. i guess what harper lee predicted in that era, is finally coming true. equality. freedom, for the blacks, i'd say. : ) maybe tom robinson did die for a better cause after all. like atticus said, it was a tiny baby step maycomb made,which probably brought about today. well, obama, you wanted it, you got it, don't let the world down all right?

thanks jasper for the HSM3 songs. you stupid ass. don't think so much all right! absolute again. soon. : ) or someting else. whatever.

countdown. tomorrow, and we'll be two papers down. : ) after that, 7 more days till we officially be ex theresians. it's funny, but all the nostalgia. all our lower secondary days seems a haze. but i can say this, it has made an impact that would be etched in my mind forever.

-- for all the lessons learnt, experiences gained, friends made, teachers loved, thank you STC--

i swear i'm ever grateful for what you did. it was unexpected,but probably my saving grace as well. i guess it was pretty heartening, in spite of everything that has been happening. with us, with life. it's a whirl. but i'll try. usually i'll contradict and renounce every good thing you said in that, but i guess i'll accept it this time. another thing i must learn huh. *wry smile* thanks for the encouragement, breakdown's been at the tip,but you boosted it up for me a little. : )

ps: it wasn't the physical being of you being there that helped as a friend, but the mental i-know- she-is-there. knowing out there that someone does care out there, somewhere in the excess, it does help.

sandra, you're fucking pathetic. get a life.

so. the results are out.

America, i present to you... OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT! ha, well, i was kinda expected and Mccain, today..

you got served.

funny that ACDC even could bother checking in on the voting with an election dance off. it's funny, and the moves are sick. you can check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvJuo2C7eS4&feature=channel it's whacked but i still prefer the compilation against M&M cru though.

High School Musical Three was fantastic, made more sentimental, since this year is our grad day as well. fantastic, meaning that the choreagraphy and story line were by far the most believable and WOW-able, compared to the other 2. yesteday was okay, slacking off. stuffing ourselves with sushi and salmon, ha, i remember that. i need to let time past. seeing people humping while 428 is NOT a nice sight.

ain't that well today, feeling stoned since yesterday. i guess it's a compilation of lack of sleep, 428, and catching jasper's sickness. -.- ha. this dead thing better clear 'fore thursday lest i screw up friday, which i can't, though should i, i don't wanna bother no more.

blast me tonight, you'll never hear the end of me. henceforth this week, a wall of steel's erected around me, to a family member. i'm sorry is all i can say. your tears are wasted on me. you can put the blame on me.

oh wait, you always do.

you chased your own mother away? unbelievable. best is, you yelled at her to leave the house? how could you? then don't start defending yourself that you had to cos kor has A's and need his space. you DIDN'T have to yell at her, you know how sensitive she already is. How would you like me to treat you like that huh?i'm tempted to, really. practice what you preach, wasn't that what you always say? today she said bye to me with tears nearly brimming from her eyes. as much as i find her annoying in a naggy way, you were too harsh. way too much. and you still want to deny? deny some more. i don't care. from now on, you do your own thing, i'll do mine.

i'm glad you said what you said yesterday. at long last i could finally tell you what's been playing on my mind the last month. idk what's gonna happen ten days from now, but you're right, it doesn't seem to affect me when you're gone.

things are gonna be awkward. i don't know where we stand, as of now. i don't know. to open to all this or to retreat? and, don't you lecture me. you don't know. anything, to say the least.


whoever you are, timmo glock, i hate you. everyone hates hamilton and want him to lose.. you actually helped him win??? WHY! he was supposed to be sixth, if you let it be, MASSA would have won by one point. but the, you gave hamilton your fifth place and he won massa by ONE! i don't like you! and hamilton, you DO NOT deserve nicole.

FUCK YOU BITCH. you are always like that. so two faced. damn you, so many instances i can pull out that you always feign ignorance. it's always not your fault, though you know it is. you ain't the fuckin' emperess dowager of the house la okay. it's good enough you have the maid to wait on you, be at your beck and call, DON'T expect me to do that too. i told you, i'm staying away from you, lest your undesirable unfluences strangle me to death. you treat your own mother like this, so why can't i throw it back at you? ever heard of practise what you preach? so don't get all huffy and flounce off when you know all i did was to state the simplest of all truths. maybe you're right, maybe i'll treat you like the way you treat your mother now, when you grow old. you ain't no bloody martyr. i'm sick and tired. i dont give a damn if you got depression or not okay. fine, everything's my fault. it's always me okay. fuck you. maybe if i go away. you'd really be happy. wait, i would. if you dare make any noise about what i get on tuesday, i swear i wouln't even bother restraining myself. you want to cry and blame me, so be it. i'm immune to your crocodile tears.

and to you. yea. i'm changing. so what? maybe my replies are short cos i don't feel like talking to you? maybe i'd rather text my friends than you? maybe i'd rather hang with them and not have you cling to me 24/7. you know what's called freedom? yea, that's what i need. and you can go do your bitchy little thing to that oh so close friend of yours. i don't care. i'm really starting to think that it's time. more than over dued.

if my life ain't fucked up enough, you were the perfect cherry on top of a wonderful period of my life. i tried explaining, but if you all you wanna see it as false. then hell. jasper, thanks for the words of wisdom. i really need to sort things out myself i guess. question is, where do we stand now? if you even knew what's really happening..

A good lit or S.S student will be able to interpret what i'm feeling now, based on this picture. if you can't, how about i tell you that the thing in the middle of nowhere stands for me?

i'm trying, but i can't. it's hard. to open up in the midst of all this. i need to get rid of all this negative emotions. us, you, everything. i change my mind. no one understands. at all.

"Scout , i think i'm beginning to understand something. I think i'm beginning to understand why Boo Radley's stayed shut up in the house all this time... it's because he wants to stay inside."

--To Kill A Mockingbird--

Drinking is a good way to numb yourself to emotions you refuse to let yourself feel. maybe that, or i just wanted to drink. maybe both. turmoil of emotions about almost every single aspect of me life right now, don't know where to run. seemed like the only option for me was escapism.

J's been there for me most of the time and i thank you for it. once you find yourself a girl, i know everything will change.

the first bottle.

done with you.

beer was too mild. vodka please.

beer hadn't any effect. percentage was also too low. thank god dad said he'd buy more wine. and absolute disco. damn right he will. if i need a drink tonight, i'm stocked up. at this point, i don't give a fuck whether i damage my livers or screw up my life. it's messed up anyway.

note to self: You don't want to be like her. you complain of her all day. you agree with what father and brother says abt her, but still you're turning out like her everyday. fuck no. change. you need to. it ain't genes, it's influence. hell, gotta close yourself away from her.

i wished today, your trip wasn't cancelled. as dad said, go save the chickens, it would give us some much needed space, and time to get what i needed. now, i just wanna retreat away from you. this is it. the only way i can do that, go back to the wall i built around myself. Fuck to everything else.

batter up! play ball!

life's like a softball pitch. rough and sandy, yet shaped like a diamond.

i'm wondering, is God present? or isn't he. i really don't know. is life supposed to be as unpredictable as where the ball flies?maybe he's tryna send me an omen. in three days, three fights have sprung out from no where. god, you trying to tell me something? it's scary really. maybe i'll get into a fight. or i'll get robbed. ha. what a joke. mm. life has been a living hell for me. the monotous daily tasks is really irksome to the point that sometimes, i wish life didn't have to be this way. i wanna run, but escapism from my problems ain't gonna solve nothing. one too many, few too much. worrying over a big ugly F9 on my result slip really isn't helping at all. not to mention the least. hurr.

strike two. no balls.

there's a thousand dreams i could think of. i wish my brother was nicer. i wish my brother could what he says or practice what he preaches. i wish he could hold his snide comments and do some reflection himself. i wish the moment we had as cliques could remain. i wish we could be as we always were. i wish we didn't have to study, or be in a country like singapore.

none of this will come true.

today nearly saw another arguement erupting. i really don't know okay. we think alike. can't say the same. as for no texts or calls on the second, i was waiting for yours. it's just me okay. i need my own space, my freedom. cram me up, you're out. strike three. batter out.

disclaimer: friends mean the world to me. if anyone so much as lays a finger on anyone of my friends, anyone. you'd wished you never was alive because i'll hunt you down till you're on bended knee.

Inning over. fielders up!

i fucked up again, didn't i. seems to be happening alot these days.

life is full of surprises. i'd second that. it's been springing up alot around me recently. papers, people, strange meetings, things or people i'd rather not have seen. pfft. today it self was a coincidence in itself. flirthouse. HA. jamie, that was like funny. he was standing on the escalator in front of us without us knowing. HAHA. immediately called you. today was. a deviation from the normal stuff we were supposed to do. shan't go into detail. interesting. and bernice went...high?mm. oh wells. go for dancesation. or not. whatever it is, i'm going o school. full stop. period. i don't care, bernice. HAHA. might pull jasper along. hoho. bought whatever its urgent to buy, though its really in the wrong time. but wth. next is just leisure shopping with jams after lit. haha. and more. lmao.

strain marks are showing. fast. did you even remember today? how convenient of you to say that. you know what. continue after o's? my answer - o's, please last LONGER. i don't know. fuck.

and to the ass of a guy who thought he was effing big with his HUMONGOUS calvin klein bag (so high class HAR) YOU banged into me, so DON't you dare go "teenagers's nowadays AH." just cos i tsked at you. it's your fault, so accept it, you act-big -not- big, fat stumpy faggard.

today. was mucking around at home. no plans. rather, was turned down. so dear bernice asked me to study. wednesday. good and bad. bad, studied little. bad, felt down. bad, ready to get a beautifule F9 for humans after fucking up history. good, went out with bernice ong. good, we studied. and shopped. we had a spastic day. met lots of people. lao bungs, gross lesbians, girls from bernice's most loved school and girls in pyjamas lookalikes, among others. i won a bet with bernice, that there WAS a carl's j at far east. she owes me lunch there tmr. : ) and seventy one dollars. in cash.

shopping count for today:

bernice:
- naval stud (which i had to help choose cos she was so indecisive. -.- and some assholes were totally perving at her lifting up her blouse? and they were probably thinking we were PL. cos they saw me choosing for her, then saw her take money from me, and then return the change. who does that, except for couples!?) sandra cheng. :)
- some hairband (she can use for her future job interview.) (i paid)
- starbucks chocolate chip ( which probably made her high and start dancing!)
- ipod PINK skin (which i had to paste for her cos she sucked at it -.-)

sandra:
- grad white heels
- reservation on a prom dress (should i buy? )
- condensing chicken. bernice's favourite. more on bernice's lj.

we were in the midst/ in two minds to buy sex bands from 77th street. something that probably made the person think we were PLs further. i'm so not wanting BERNICE to break my sex bands, for those who knows what it means. LMAO. she so wanna dance, so do i. stop stealing my songs bernice. and YOU caused the PL revival, not me. rawr.

a letter straight to your heart - what do you know about me? nothing. do you know what i've been doing? no. do i care? no. do i bother? no. what to do? i don't know. tell me what to do. i really don't know. bridge the gap between the constantly drifting islands? or cut the line and to each his own?

happy birthday simin. hope you enjoyed yourself. happy sweet sixteenth.

Reasons why i don't wear dresses:

im not a flippin' ballerina!

er.. unglam,much?

model shot!

emo kid.

random post. grandma just came in with some old photos and i spent like damn long laughing over the top two photos. superr funny! haha. maybe thats why dresses and i dont get along. pah. two weeks more to after o's. gambatte everybody!

English today was doable. i think i handled it well, but shall not delve further into it, lest i think too much and lose focus. oh well.s chem was a sadd case, but screw it. no paper till friday. all the best to those taking a math tomorrow! gambatte neh!

haven't faced up to reality the last couple of days. won't know what to say and stuff. hope this crap is subsiding. really. need to get the move on. this is so effing wrong. not like you seem affected. hell no, i'd rather you don't even know. just hope i can deal with this.

the other matter. i really don't know what to say. im apprehensive and all. at least with o's, i have an excuse. to know you're by my side counting down with me, i'm having mixed feelings. escapsim. i'm sorry. where to go from twenty plus days later, hell, i don't know. i'm treading on egg shells here.

Lord, i need your help.