this thing has been weighing on my mind since night study. i know i said i wouldnt come online but i have to. i know your guard is up now, like everytime you see us together, you'd assume we're talking about you, when really we're talking about perfectly normal things. how did things get to such a stage? i mean, true, i may have done something last year that worsened things, but i do thank you for being so magnanimous about it and letting bygones be bygones. thereafter, i really worked at our friendship, guilt seeping from my past actions. but then, after one and half years, i was prepared to admit that perhaps my first impression of you was wrong. then this. yes, i do know what is happening, but that ain't the issue i have with you. i resent being treated like a disposable, i resent the fact that you always ignored me till you needed something from me. anyone's confidence would have broken by that, but i, either in faith of our friendship, or pure stupidity, stood by your daoness, being there as best as i could when you have stuff to rant, or when you were down over your break up. and after that, as you grew closer to thes rest of the clique, the distance btw you and me seemed to grow. maybe you didn't realise, maybe you didn't bother. if i hadn't been bothered about our friendship, maybe what you did wouldn't have mattered. the fact is, you throw me one side when you're done with me and you simply go along with life as it's normal.so much for friends. yea i accepted the fact that in the mornings you're prob grumpy so i don't bother you. but sometimes, i try to revive our dying friendship and talk to you and it gets to me how distant or cold or couldn't care less replies you would give. or when you've asked everybody in the clique whether they were free and they said no, then would you come and ask me. put yourself in my shoes. would you be "honoured"? would you be hurt? if sucks to know that you regard us so lowly. i didn't mind the fact i was like not top priority in your group of friends but the least you could do was to not chuck me to a corner. like that subway cookie thing. the blatant insensitivity of you could not come through any clearer than that. it was then i realised how much our friendship you really valued. it sucks being pushed, it sucks being used and manupulated, esp to have me on your side for this matter, as you did to the rest who really believe you. yeah, maybe i do derive a little pleasure complaining about your ways, about your doings, as a payback for what hurt you caused, which i know you probably wouldn't understand OR care about anyways. and i do feel guilty, because i'm human and i have a conscience about doing so. maybe the hurt is causing bitterness and vindication that derives my part pleasure, but i still sympathise with you a little for what you're going through now. maybe i'm asking you to let things go, of everything, of this whole blown-out-of- proportion thing with this group of people, but you are stubborn and you won't. someone told me to move on and i'd really try. you know what you did to each individual one of us. and all of us are trying to let it go. i wonder could you ? we never ganged up against you, however it may seem to be now. it was a matter of time before the truth got exposed anyways. this time i can't say i was the cause of this, as i was last year, for this year, it's purely youre misdoings. ultimately, you know us and all we're trying to do is to help you, in any way we can. but if you turn defensive and ignore our help, i guess there's nothing much more we can do or say as just silently wish you'd make the right choice. you may not believe it, but maybe you wont treat us as friends anymore, but we still do care about you, however stubborn you can be. and we never said much about you,so don't look so suspicious.
us wise, i really don't know where we stand now. today i heard something else you said a few days ago and it was a fresh wound to whatever you caused. if our friendship was all but a facade, and you never considered it real, please, don't act like it is cos i really did try my best to be there for you, when now i find out i didn't have to, as all i was was disposable to you.

this isn't meant for you to seem but i need an outlet to vent my frustrations. but in the event you do see it, i've nothing left more to hide.